Remembering that day by the seashore in the Lake District, a quiet morning treading on the pebbles on the beach, I looked out into the lake silently, and it seemed infinite. There must have been something in my head back at that moment, but whatever it was, it's now like those clouds in the photo, subliming without an outline. Like the boat in the far distance, the future holds so much unknown to me, but yet as sheltered the jet black sky that I looked up to while coming back to hospital tonight, it's yet filled with so much hope and anticipation. Tonight's sky was filled with clouds here and there, obscuring the grandeur of the space above. But nevertheless, it made me absolutely spellbound by my minute presence in this world. It dried my tears and made me take a big big breath and start walking again....

Non-departure

Not to meet again
Is not the same as to fall apart
Not to talk again
Does not mean I will forget

Just because
The sorrow of yours has immersed into mine
Like moonlight merging into the mountain
Whenever the night, is
Cool like cold water, it'll touch the
Pain from my old days

By the river

Let me shake hands, and say bye-bye to you
And lightly release my hand from yours
Knowing that my soulful longing
Will start to grow from here
In the bright day of floating clouds,
Where mountains look respectful, but tender

Let me shake hands, and say bye-bye to you
And lightly release my hand from yours
This is where my youth will end
Warm tears will form rivers in my heart

I looked into your eyes, with such reluctance
By the river, there's not one flower
I could pick and give to you
So let me put my heartfelt blessings
As a badge on your coat

And tomorrow...
We will be heaven and earth apart

This must be underwater love
The way I feel it slipping all over me
This must be underwater love
The way I feel it

When I first saw you
I was deep in clear blue water
The sun was shining
Calling me to come and see you
I touched your soft skin
And you jumped in with your eyes closed
And a smile upon your face......

(A sunny day where the curious me tried something new. Repulse Bay, April 2003)

"I don't know why: someone you'll meet, talk, laugh, then say goodbye-- that's all, and soon you'll totally forget them; while someone will suddenly flash into your mind when you thought you had already forgotten about them. It's just when I was doing my laundry, I thought of you: a girl always with tender smile, slim, loves poem, loves music, loves all the beautiful things in the world, so brave that she fights for her true love. I do believe that you can read one's personality through his eyes. I can feel those kindness in your eyes, I tell myself, I like this girl. you know, one who loves music, arts and literature is always a virtuous person, at least-- will never be a bad person. So I'm just send this mail to say "hi". I can picture you staring at your feet silently, that's really good. :) "

An email from September... yeah, i'm feeling a bit better now. yes, really this time.

(Pondering on the unknown future. View from the Paediatric ward, Queen Mary Hospital. Post-SARS, 2003)

A little boy was offered the chance to select a dog for his birthday present. At the pet store, he was shown a number of puppies. He picked the one whose tail was wagging furiously. When asked why he selected that particular dog, the little guy said, "I wanted the one with the happy ending."

If you'd ask me, that's the same I hope for myself...

Without a trace

I looked again at this old pic, and realised, the buildings I've known before do not exist in reality anymore. As with the person whom I thought was so solid and there with me, have vanished without a trace, without gratefulness.

The capture of the moment

There's still some residual scenes or thoughts running through my little head. Like this moment looking up into the sky. I try to forget but I cannot. I try to ignore but my conscience kept it there. I need to pray for peace, of my mind, of my poor soul. But most of all, my prayer must go to one person who has vanished like smoke, for that was where I left all my love and peace.......

(Photo: Wandering in North Point on a bright and hot day... as the battery fell into the shutter inside the camera. It was then when my heart, like this dark, heavy and solid object, fell into the bottomless abyss and was never to be found again)

Minimal me

Yesterday I was on call for the whole night. But God had been terribly kind, I was able to have a nap in the evening before being called back into the hospital again. It was cool and windy, making me feel even more lonely walking through the deserted carpark. I looked up to the sky, and through the tiny 'window' between the buildings, I felt the enormous black sky was sheltering me, only then did I feel how enormous it was! The overwhelming amount of stars embraced me so tightly, as though it was a blanket studded with sparkling jewels that my mother has made specially for me, wrapping me tight and sheltering me from harm. And far away in the North the mother moon watches over me, clothed by cirrus clouds, looking pearly white even in the darkest hours of the night. Enveloped by this serene atmosphere, I somehow felt my minimalistic presence in this wide wide world. It felt comforting.

(Photo: Tai Kok Tsui old buildings in Hong Kong, 2003)

I look out the window, and wonder, are you still there?